The Dos and Don’ts of Supporting a Friend Through a Panic Attack
Seeing someone you care about experience a panic attack can be a frightening and overwhelming experience. A panic attack is not just "intense stress"—it is a sudden surge of overwhelming physical and mental distress that often makes the person feel as though they are having a heart attack, losing their mind, or even dying.
In these moments, your role is not to "fix" the attack, but to be a calm, grounding presence. Your actions can significantly help reduce the duration and intensity of the episode. Below is a comprehensive guide on the dos and don’ts of supporting a friend through a panic attack.
The Dos: How to Be an Effective Anchor
1. Do Remain Calm
The most important thing you can do is keep your own anxiety in check. If you begin to panic, it confirms your friend’s internal fear that something is truly wrong. Keep your voice low, steady, and calm. Your composed energy helps regulate their nervous system through a process called co-regulation.
2. Do Acknowledge and Validate
Do not try to talk them out of their fear by saying it’s irrational. Instead, acknowledge that what they are feeling is real and scary, but also temporary.
What to say: "I know this feels terrifying right now, but you are safe, and this will pass. I am right here with you."
3. Do Use Grounding Techniques
Grounding helps pull a person out of their internal spiral and back into the physical world. The most effective method is the 5-4-3-2-1 Technique. Guide them through it slowly:
Ask them to name 5 things they can see.
Ask them to name 4 things they can touch.
Ask them to name 3 things they can hear.
Ask them to name 2 things they can smell.
Ask them to name 1 thing they can taste.
4. Do Lead Breathing Exercises
During a panic attack, people often hyperventilate, which increases the physical sensation of "smothering." Instead of just telling them to "breathe," model the behavior.
What to do: Say, "Look at me. We’re going to breathe together." Take a slow breath in through your nose for 4 seconds, hold for 2, and exhale through your mouth for 6. Let them mirror your rhythm.
5. Do Ask Simple "Yes" or "No" Questions
When the brain is in a state of panic, the logical centers shut down. Avoid asking complex questions like "What triggered this?" or "What do you want to do?"
What to ask: "Would you like to sit down?" or "Can I hold your hand?" or "Should we move to a quieter area?"
The Don’ts: What to Avoid
1. Don’t Tell Them to "Just Relax"
Telling someone to relax during a panic attack is like telling someone to "stop being wet" while they are standing in the rain. It is physically impossible for them to simply "stop" the adrenaline surge. This phrase often makes the person feel misunderstood and can actually increase their frustration and anxiety.
2. Don’t Ask "Why?"
Many panic attacks happen for no apparent reason. If you ask "Why are you panicking?" and they don't have an answer, they may begin to panic about the fact that they don't know why they are panicking. The "why" doesn't matter in the moment; the "how to get through it" does.
3. Don’t Take Their Reaction Personally
During an attack, your friend might be irritable, push you away, or stop speaking entirely. Understand that their brain is in "survival mode." It isn't a reflection of your relationship or your efforts to help. Stay patient and don't take their behavior during the crisis to heart.
4. Don’t Crowd Them
While some people find comfort in a hug, many feel "suffocated" or trapped during a panic attack. Physical closeness can sometimes escalate the feeling of being unable to breathe.
Best practice: Maintain a respectful distance (about an arm’s length) unless they specifically ask for physical contact.
5. Don’t Overwhelm Them with Advice
A panic attack is not the time to suggest lifestyle changes, new diets, or meditation apps. Wait until the episode has completely passed and they feel safe before discussing long-term management strategies.
After the Attack: The "Cool Down" Phase
Once the physical symptoms subside, your friend will likely feel exhausted—this is often called a "vulnerability hangover." The massive release of adrenaline leaves the body feeling depleted.
Check in on their needs: Ask if they need water, a snack, or a quiet place to rest.
Encourage them to be kind to themselves: Remind them that they don't need to apologize for the attack.
Suggest professional support gently: If these attacks are becoming frequent, suggest that they speak with a healthcare provider. You might offer to help them find a therapist or go with them to an appointment.
Final Thoughts
Supporting someone through a panic attack requires immense patience and empathy. By being a steady, non-judgmental presence, you provide the safety net they need to ride out the wave of fear. Remember, you aren't there to stop the attack—only the body can do that. You are there to ensure they aren't alone while it happens.
At Thrivingminds.net, we believe that mental wellness is a community effort. Your willingness to learn these tools makes you an invaluable part of your friend’s support system.